Henry Kissinger provides the "starting gun" of the competition by declaring that "it is time to rock," and then Chris Funk offers his shredding solo.

Deepak Chopra talks to Stephen about life after death, maintaining a youthful biology and his book, which costs 24 dollars.

Stephen asks Jack Welch how he's making it on a fixed income and has him sign a copy of his book, "Winning," for his father-in-law.

Daniel Pinchbeck believes the Mayan god Quetzalcoatl is making a comeback. Stephen wants to know who he is and why we should be excited about him.

Historian Doris Kearns Goodwin tells Stephen that if Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he might be the host of The Colbert Report.

Stephen and sex columnist Dan Savage reveal their porn names.

"The Ethics of What We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter" author Dr. Peter Singer tells Stephen that human beings are speciesists.

Dr. Francis Collins tries to convince Stephen that evolution is God's plan for giving upgrades.

NYU President John Sexton thinks Stephen is contributing to a disease.

Stephen tells Steven Levitt, author of "Freakonomics," that figures never lie, but liars figure.

Stephen tells video game designer Will Wright that his viewers are his Sims.

Would Mark McGwire's head even fit on a Hall of Fame plaque?

Stephen asks director Nora Ephron why so much of his performance in "Bewitched" hit the cutting room floor.

Stephen nails Harry Shearer for his lack of political correctness in naming his new book "Not Enough Indians."

Jim Lehrer says it takes a lot of courage to be boring five nights a week.

Stephen asks Richard Linklater how fast food can be that bad - after all, they make happy meals.

American Museum of Natural History paleontologist Mike Novacek attempts to convince Stephen of evolution and the future of the human species.

CEO of Timberland, Jeff Swartz, argues that you can run a corporation and have a positive impact on the environment at the same time.

Dan Rather is honored to be on The Report with an icon of Stephen's stature. And so is Stephen.

Stephen asks Segway inventor Dean Kamen if wheelchairs that can climb stairs spell the end of handicapped parking.

Stephen and Jeff Greenfield discuss the aftermath of the midterm elections, and Stephen asks questions Jeff has never heard before.

Following the midterm election results, a flustered Stephen Colbert explains that he thought America would have lasted longer than 230 years.

Mark Halperin believes not many reporters watch The Colbert Report, and that's a problem.

Ron Reagan stops by to explain why stem cell research is so important and to give Stephen the Full Gipper.

Penn Jillette stops by to shatter all that little children believe and get Stephen with a card trick.

Tim Robbins talks about his movie "Catch a Fire," debates Stephen on the issue of torture and gets nailed.

Stephen presents Barry Manilow with a peace treaty, and they agree to joint custody of the infamous Emmy.

Dr. Peter Agre argues that basic understanding of science needs to be more widespread among the citizens of this country.

Stephen and David Kuo talk about "compassionate conservatives" and the separation of church and state.

Biologist Richard Dawkins explains that he does not believe in God, but also that the world was not created randomly.

Barry Scheck does DNA testing trying to exonerate the wrongfully convicted. Stephen thinks he sounds soft on crime.

Stephen is disappointed to learn from Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer that the state has given into the Feds and adopted speed limits.

Andrew Sullivan is the only gay conservative Stephen knows, but Stephen thought that traditional conservatives were closeted homosexuals.

Ariel Levy thinks women who imitate porn stars are far from any sort of authentic sexual liberation. Stephen thinks she sounds like a Muslim fundamentalist.

Randy Newman wonders whether he's at the McCarthy hearings -- and rolls over on George Clooney.

Stephen has heard that liberal radio and TV host Amy Goodman is a real firebrand, so he wants her to bring it.

When Stephen found out Senator Byron Dorgan was coming he thought he'd do a North Dakota-themed show, until he couldn't think of anything else from North Dakota.

Stephen speaks with union leader Andy Stern about insurance and the growing gap between the rich and the poor, and suggests robots as a plan for America's future.

Stephen and Michael Lewis talk about privilege in America.

Steve Wozniak loves to cut his steak on airplanes with his business card.

Why do more young people watch The Report than watch PBS?

Stephen asks Ted Danson why his new sitcom doesn't take place underwater.

No matter what Arianna Huffington says, fear is a great motivator. It got Stephen through every term paper he ever had.

Stephen has a beef with Daniel Ellsberg, who leaked the Pentagon Papers in 1971.

Stephen asks James Carville how he ever made the transition from the backstabbing, egocentric world of Washington to Hollywood.

Frank Rich, author of "The Greatest Story Ever Sold," becomes the first New York Times op-ed columnist to return to The Report.

Stephen asks hip-hop performer Will Power the difference between rap and hip-hop.

EPSN's Bill Simmons obsesses over sports at the expense of every other part of his life, like most people.

"Brainiac" author and "Jeopardy" champ Ken Jennings tells Stephen what it's like knowing things no one else cares about.

American hero Toby Keith talks about his new movie and smoking weed with Willie Nelson.

Stephen asks Martin Short what it's like to interview guests in character.

Stephen stumps Janna Levin -- a theoretical physicist -- by asking her the hardest question in the world.

Gideon Yago thinks it's partially the viewer's fault that music videos are contributing to the fragmentation of American culture. Stephen thinks he's blaming America first.

Paul Krugman is part of that fringe 60% of the population that thinks the war was a mistake.

Stephen asks linguist Geoffrey Nunberg, author of "Talking Right," how he can discredit a group that calls themselves "right."

Stephen Colbert and Neil Young get out their guitars.

Stephen asks Morgan Spurlock why he'd want to know what other people's lives are like.

Stephen has heard that David Gergen is a moderate Republican, and he wants some answers about exactly how that makes any sense.

Ramesh Ponnuru explains how activist judges and embryonic stem cell research contribute to the Democrats status as the party of death.

Stephen asks MoveOn.org's Eli Pariser who he is, what he does and how he wants to destroy America.

Stephen nails overachiever Alexandra Robbins for pulling up the ladder from the top of the tool shed.

William C. Rhoden looks to free the admittedly wealthy black athlete from the institutionalization of wealthy white-run sports.

Paul Hackett came back from Iraq, began a bid for an Ohio Senate seat, then dropped out. Stephen asks him about running and cutting.

No matter what Linda Hirshman says, men can't stay home and raise children -- daytime TV is all geared towards women.

Peter Beinart stops by to talk about his book, "The Good Fight," and why he changed his mind about the war.

Stephen asks Senate hopeful Ned Lamont if he thinks the president's going to kiss him.

Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada discusses a new series of comics entitled Civil War, which combines superheroes with today's government.

Attorney Neal Katyal shows his love for this country by defending Guantanamo Bay detainees before the Supreme Court.

Executive director of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, William Donohue discusses Hollywood and anti-Catholicism.

Author and former editor of The New York Times, Howell Raines discusses the fishing adventure on which his book is based.

Stephen has a problem taking Tom Brokaw seriously when he's not wearing a tie.

Joe Scarborough took money from Jack Abramoff, and it felt good.

Dhani Jones has the ability to be a mindless crushing machine, and yet he chooses to read poetry and listen to classical music.

Stephen makes sure Princeton professor Lee Silver knows that he doesn't know more than Stephen does about genetic engineering.

Stephen explains to author Ron Suskind that if we didn't invade someone, we would have tripped over our preparedness.

Mort Zuckerman believes that George W. Bush is an awful president but feels that John Kerry would have been worse.

Pro skateboarder Tony Hawk and Stephen agree that it's better to continue hurting yourself than to give up.

Amy Sedaris discusses her new movie, "Strangers With Candy," before tumbling with Stephen and Tad.

Author Christopher Noxon defines the difference between adults who are childish and those who are childlike.

Robert Baer tells Stephen we invaded the wrong country, which does not penetrate Stephen's armor of belief.

Chris Matthews shows Stephen who's got harder balls in a full-nelson breaking competition.

Mark Bowden describes the similarities between the West's first encounter with extremist Muslims and the current one.

Author Douglas Brinkley addresses why the levees broke during Hurricane Katrina and what the future holds for New Orleans.

Bay Buchanan is dedicated to building a fence along the 2,000 mile border between the U.S. and Mexico.

Bart Ehrman discusses the history of the word of Jesus and Stephen offers him irrefutable logic.

Stephen brings back Esteban from "Colberto Reporto Gigante" to interview Gustavo Arellano.

Author Michael Pollan explains how modern food choices will make future generations have shorter lives.

Author David Sirota thinks campaigns should be publicly financed. Stephen thinks author David Sirota is a Communist.

Author and climatologist Tim Flannery attempts to convince Stephen that humans are causing a global climate change.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. supports his article in Rolling Stone Magazine claiming President Bush stole the 2004 presidential election.

Author Steve Johnson talks about how kids today are recreating history in video games instead of stealing their dads' beer.

Stephen asks Steve Squyres, the principal investigator of the Mars Exploration Rover Mission, if they've found oil on Mars yet.

Christiane Amanpour instructs Stephen on the correct way to pronounce Iraq and Iran.

After a montage of Stephen's greatest guests, Stone Phillips returns for a rematch of their previous gravitas-off.

Stephen asks paleontologists Ted Daeschler why he can't just leave fossils alone to ripen into oil.

Author Jonathan Alter calls Theodore Roosevelt the Bing Crosby of presidents; Stephen calls George W. Bush the FDR of today.

Tyson Slocum talks about alternative energy sources, and Stephen gives him the debate of his career.

Kevin Phillips talks to Stephen about his book, "American Theocracy," and explains how he really feels about God.

Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright talks about God, government and her new book, " The Mighty and the Almighty."

Bill Bastone, editor of The Smoking Gun, explains why they don't bother covering the good news in celebrities' lives.

New York Times columnist Frank Rich discuss Democrats, Republicans and the parties' respective theaters of choice.

Stephen talks to feminine sexuality expert Shere Hite about female orgasms, the clitoris and societal expectations of sex.

Sports Illustrated's Rick Reilly talks with Stephen about golf, steroids and swimsuit models.

The last time Stephen checked, you needed four stars and a condo in Pebble Beach to speak out against the war.

Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee talks to Stephen about exercise, crystal meth and deep-fried Twinkies.

Jon Meacham describes the care the founding fathers took to protect freedom of religious expression without creating a theocracy.

Neocon Bill Kristol makes some friends on the Upper West Side with a prediction that the Democrats will take the House in the upcoming election.

Sebastian Junger is even more rugged in person than he appears on the back of his books.

Sam Harris reminds Stephen that we're all atheists with respect to Poseidon.

Hugh Hewitt thinks the Republicans are aiming at an electoral iceberg and they need to turn the ship around quickly.

Stephen and Ralph Nader discuss whether corporations are people too.

Stephen asks author and journalist Caitlin Flanagan, "What's the deal with chicks?"

Even though America isn't a Christian nation, Stephen thinks ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero should acknowledge that we're almost all Christians.

Religious scholar Reza Aslan promises to say something inflammatory next time.

Stephen asks blogger and Daily Kos founder Markos Moulitsas how many shirts he goes through because of his bleeding heart.

Harvey Mansfield and Stephen collide in a perfect storm of man musk.

Stephen asks Reverend Jesse Jackson what he thinks of his plan to repopulate New Orleans' abandoned Ninth Ward with illegal immigrants.

If it gets him to his gate faster, Stephen will agree with anything Michael Smerconish says.

Stephen questions filmmaker Robert Greenwald on why he's so convinced of Tom DeLay's guilt when DeLay isn't even in prison.

Stephen asks Bruce Bartlett where he gets off saying Bush isn't Reagan.

Let's see how Michael Brown handles the aftermath of Hurricane Colbert.

Gary Hart shows Stephen how to make an attack dog out of duct tape.

John Kasich, host of "The Heartland with John Kasich" on FOX News, lists honesty, integrity, personal responsibility and humility among the best of America's traditional values.

Former Coalition Provisional Authority spokesman Dan Senor is conservative on national security but liberal on neckties.

Does Morley Safer makes Steve Kroft run and get him cigarettes on the set of "60 Minutes"?

Connie Chung went back to work because her husband, Maury Povich, was sick of her being around the house all the time.

Frank Vincent is so manly that he lives in a town called Nutley.

Al Franken speculates on why Bill O'Reilly doesn't do USO tours.

Stephen thinks being a bully is just another way of getting your points across passionately.

Christopher Buckley and Jack Abramoff may dress differently, but otherwise, they are very similar.

The only thing Lorraine Bracco is not looking forward to about "The Sopranos" is putting on pantyhose every time she has to go into that office.

James Webb discusses his opinions on the current state of American politics and the war in Iraq.

Political scientist Norman Ornstein explains how the current Congress does less than nothing.

Bob Schieffer has good ratings for his morning show because most of his elderly viewers died in the night and left the television on.

Jeffrey Sachs explains that giving a little aid to impoverished countries is the least that Americans can do.

Stephen wants to know why Arianna Huffington hates black people.

Stephen asks what Brett O'Donnell thinks of the debate between Job and God.

Reverend Tony Campolo believes putting religion and politics together is like mixing ice cream with horse manure.

The New York Times columnist David Brooks talks about being the conservative that liberals can like.

Dr. Michael Eric Dyson discusses the nation's racial divide in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Stephen tries to get Lama Surya Das to sell him on the concept of nonviolence for America.

Stephen finds a better way to look at the Iraq war than George Packer's critique of it.

Alan Dershowitz discusses the dangers of preemption and why invading Iran might not be a bad idea.

James Woolsey gives the president two and a half cheers for his State of the Union pledge to cut dependence on oil.

Senator Barbara Boxer rates President Bush and allows Stephen to read a passage from her novel, " A Time To Run."

Christine Todd Whitman's concern about political discourse in this country prompts Stephen to cut off her mic.

Slate's Emily Yoffe tells Stephen about her time as a phone psychic, a nude model and a bleeding street performer.

David Marash explains his rationale for moving to Al Jazeera International from Nightline.

Based on champion poker player Annie Duke's criteria for being a pro, Stephen thinks President Bush must be a really good gambler.

Paul Begala explains how Democrats can take the country back and Bill Clinton's effect on his life.

Author Norah Vincent bulked up in order to pass as a man for her book, "Self-Made Man," but she didn't go on the juice.

Stephen Colbert struts his stuff before Washington Post fashion columnist Robin Givhan.

Stephen hits a nerve by comparing David Gregory to Major Garrett.

If you pledge $1,000 to The Colbert Report, Nina Totenberg will come to your shower in a plush terry cloth robe.

Training German Shepherds in Germany prepared Frank McCourt to teach high school.

Stephen talks to Andrew Sullivan about blogging and the repercussions of some of his blog posts.

George Stephanopoulos relates politics to wrestling at Stephen's insistence.

Kenneth Miller talks about evolution, what's so clever about God, the flu and what he likes to call the "Steve Martin Theory of Evolution."

John Stossel tells Stephen what's wrong with the education system and Stephen tells John what a freedom-tarian is.

Stephen speaks with Carl Bernstein about what Bush and Nixon have in common and points out that a strong president is better than an honest president.

Nancy Grace talks about what's right and wrong with the legal system.