Performance reviews will be based on job-related accomplishments and political realities.

Visitors to secure facilities should be closely monitored at all times.

Employees are advised to refrain from doing the jobs of other government agencies.

Analysts are reminded that their professional skills are not necessarily useful for solving personal matters.

Office computers are for national security purposes only, not for stalking Tinder dates.

Office holiday celebrations must conform to proper standards of sensitivity.

Use of interoffice messaging services for booty calls is strictly prohibited.

Employees are reminded to please be on time for the War on Terror.