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Dear Sir,
I have no choice but to resign from my position as Radio Times billings writer.
It has been a most rewarding experience but my heart is no longer in it.
My feelings can best be summed up by the immortal words of Marcel Marceau who said, after the Battle of Britain, 'This is the last programme in the above-named series'.
Yours, Mr Smith
Dear Sir,
Who was that dishy guy in last week's programme? I'm talking about the one on the left in that bit about the big filing cabinet. It was really funny. He was really dishy.
Could you arrange for me to meet him, get married, have a honeymoon in the Seychelles and raise a family of six girls in a detached mansion in the Cotswolds? Failing that I would appreciate a signed photograph.
Yours sincerely,
Maureen Dog
Dear Sir,
Freaky guy seeks groovy chick, into poetry, green beans, Edison Lighthouse, for friendship, conversation and darts. With view to becoming contestants on Mr and Mrs. No time-wasters please.
Sincere replies only,
Nik
Dear Sir,
May I remind you that a Radio Times billing should inform, educate and above all attract potential viewers. It should not be regarded as a vehicle for old jokes, unfunny correspondence and childish innuendo.
Incidentally, my friends down at The Old Horse and Duck think I'm a very funny man so I hereby apply for a position as a BBC comedian.
Yours sincerely,
Fr Douglas Wernham
'The cheeky chaplain'
Dear Sir,
You would think that with over 29,000 employees there would be someone capable of writing a funnier Radio Times billing than last week's.
Let me suggest one - 'It's all aboard for laffs as Ali Haha and his chums take you on a magic carpet ride through the bazaars of TV funland'.
Yours,
Lex Young
(radio's comedy balloonist)
Dear Sir,
I have just watched the first programme in the above-mentioned comedy series.
I was in the war you know. Is this what British comedy has come to??? This is obviously German comedy. It makes me ill. My dog is a pensioner and we have a green hedge.
Yours disgustingly,
A lover of Commonwealth comedy.
